Lucifer wears cellulite and a sweatshirt
Source: http://www.wildcatswife.com
Last Sunday I walked around with an empty Secret deodorant can to remind me to purchase a new one. I could have made a list, but where’s the fun in that? And, besides, it annoyed Wildcat.
On a lark, we decided to head on over to the Riverwind Casino in Norman, Oklahoma. Wildcat likes to sneak off to their private poker room. I had a lousy twenty bucks and was going to make damn sure I’d blow it. After walking around aimlessly with red wine in hand, I spotted a ‘Lord of the Rings’ slot-machine. There were four of ‘em, two back-to-back. Naturally, I sit at the machine that is silent, while the others have all the “bells and whistles.” Nothing jerks my chain more than sitting at a silent slot-machine. I was winning, which I can tell you is a lot better feeling than losing. Try it.
Then, it happened. My luck streak ran its course when a female lucifer with fangs and smoke blowing out of her mouth sat at the machine next to me. Lucifer was dressed in a sloppy maroon sweatshirt (probably Old Navy) and form-fitting black leggings, which revealed cellulite dimples on her ass. She could have used a Slim-Fast bar and an education. Lucifer launched into attack mode with her slot-machine. She banged ferociously at it, yelling a mangled form of garbage language in her flip phone.
“School tells me my son is crazy! Fuck that shit. They’re crazy!” Lucifer screamed.
Immediately, I knew Lucifer had walked in the joint and was clearly “not right.”
Wiping snot on her sweatshirt, she continued banging ‘Lord of the Rings.’
All of a sudden it hit me, Lucifer was damaging my zen. I cashed out and shuffled towards the center bar and waited for Wildcat. I retrieved the empty Secret deodorant can from my Tory Burch tote. Mullets and boobs were looking at me funny. I set it down next to my wine as a way of reminding me to buy one on the way home.
This is what happened to me last night at Whole Foods…
Last night, I drove across town and trudged through the pouring rain to Whole Foods Market. I was on a mission to find scallop potatoes. Whole Foods has a stunning collection of potatoes. They offer Fingerling, Purple, Red, White, Yellow, New, Idaho or Russet, which I later found out were one in the same, but no Scallop. Frankly, I was beginning to get distressed.
I panicked and texted Wildcat. He immediately phoned me (laughing uncontrollably). Hipsters were walking by confidently picking out potatoes and scurrying off in their stylish scarves. I felt undeniably small like a clove of garlic. I adjusted my obese Russian hat. The gray flappy ears had fuzzy balls on the ends, which were hitting me in the face. A man in produce brushed by with a compliment, “Nice hat.”
Me: “Whole Foods doesn’t have scallop potatoes,” I said, crestfallen.
Wildcat: (busting-a-gut-laughing) Scallop potatoes is the dish. You’re so cute. Just buy yellow potatoes.”
Me: “What do they look like?”
Wildcat: “They’re yellow.”
I’m learning to cook and will be attempting to make William-Sonoma’s Cheese Potato Gratin recipe for Thanksgiving. Lord help us all. I’m gonna need wine and lots of it.
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“Are you tired of hipsters ruining your day and making your life miserable? We’ve got the solution.”
At some point during the middle of the night, we passed 25,000 Tumblr followers. I cannot properly express my emotional state at this time so I will let Will Ferrell do it for me. Thanks for following. As always, if you want to suggest, comment and or harangue …mkramer AT whyy DOT org — Mel
(via funnyordie)
CITY OF DESPAIR The sun sets over the Ifo extension refugee camp in Dadaab, near the Kenya-Somalia border. About 1,000 people each day arrive at the camp, which now has a population of 400,000 refugees — roughly the size of Cleveland or Minneapolis. (Photo: AP via the Telegraph; caption via ABC News)
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United Nations World Food Programme — plans to airlift high energy biscuits and highly nutritious supplementary foods for children and pregnant or nursing mothers into southern Somalia (to donate $10 from the United States, text “AID” to 27722; to donate $5 from Canada, text “RELIEF” to 45678; to donate £3 from the United Kingdom text “AID” to 70303)
Others listed here
(via)
Zelig [1983] by Woody Allen
Ants Are No Picnic by Wildcat’s Wife
I have ants. And, according to the poker-faced “Ant Man,” who came out and sprayed, the bastards have apparently set up half-dozen or so colonies under my house. This pest patrol guy has been killing ants for 27 years and takes his job seriously.
Mrs. Wildcat: “Just before you arrived, I sprayed Raid.”
Ant Man: “Do you realize what you’ve done?”
Mrs. Wildcat: “No?”
Ant Man: “You’ve only repelled the ants. And, now the air is contaminated. You’ve made my job that much more difficult.”
Mrs. Wildcat: “OMG! I’m sorry. Holy Fuck! I didn’t know!”
Ant Man: “Most people don’t.”
Mrs. Wildcat: “Also, the ants aren’t attracted to the bait traps.”
Ant Man (laughing): “What did you do, spray those with Raid and contaminate them too?”
“Are you saying I’m having sex with these men without my knowledge?” - When Harry Met Sally
Friday Find: Texas Jackalope Milk purchased from “Shoulda Been A Cowboy” in Fredericksburg, Texas
I stumbled upon this adorable cock fan in Nichols Hills! I immediately thought of The Bloggess and all of her metal chickens she’s been posting on her website. I think Victor should buy it for her.
